Attachment Styles And Intimate Relationships
Introduction
The issue of relationship formation is among the most crucial aspects of human existence because all people require having meaningful friendships for a healthy existence. However, the issue of relationship formation can be explained by attachment theory. The ideology claims that children become emotionally attached to their caregivers and they run to them when confronted by challenging issues. The theory shows that attachment styles greatly influence intimate relationships. The love that parents give their children from infancy to adolescence shapes the latter’s brains to determine the manner in which they form relationships with other people for the rest of their lives.
How attachment affects people and their relationships
The idea of attachment is the primary factor when it comes to the influencing of people’s relationship formation. Infants are born with a lot of emotions just like those that are experienced by adults. They experience fear, joy, love sadness as well as anger during different instances in their lives. They later become emotionally attached to the adults who are their caregivers and this is where they are programmed to acquire emotional habits that they carry to their adulthood (Beeney et al., 2019). The emotional relationship between infants and their caregivers begins even when there is no form of verbal communication between them. The resulting bond then determines how the infants relate with all the people they meet in society. It is at this point that a person acquires good and bad attachment tendencies whether verbal or non-verbal.
Individuals that experience compromised emotional experiences in their childhood cannot form meaningful relationships with other people in their adulthood. These emotions could comprise fright, confusion, and broken communication on an emotional level. These individuals cannot understand their emotions as well as those of their counterparts. Therefore, they cannot build successful relationships with other people regardless of how much they might like them (Bonache et al., 2019). It shows that healthy relationships between infants and their caregivers help the former to have good intimate relationships with other people in their adulthood. A child who enjoys a cordial relationship with his/her parents at a young age becomes an adult who maintains a good emotional balance.
The child is able to appreciate himself/herself as well as others in society and does not refuse to accept others. The individual is usually successful when it comes to recovering from disappointment or misfortune because he/she maintains a positive self-image at all times. The reason is that the human brain is shaped by the emotional attachment one enjoys with his/her caregiver at infancy. That is why the dynamic of forming relationships for every adult was formed at childhood (D’Arienzo et al., 2019). The brain of an infant is always influenced by the first love relationship that he/she enjoys. For secure attachment, adults should ensure that they manage personal emotional issues well and strive to always calm their infants. On the other hand, they ought to communicate using emotions to be joyful and to forgive easily so that the infant’s nervous system can be attached securely.
It is good to understand how a person’s attachment style affects his/her intimate relationships. Firstly, attachment styles determine the partner an individual chooses and the manner in which the relationship progresses. The person’s style of attachment also determines how his/her relationship ends. That is the reason why experts encourage people to understand their attachment style whenever before they can get into intimate relationships (Gonzalez-Mendez et al., 2019). The reason is that they can understand their strengths as well as weaknesses before investing their emotions in a relationship. Understanding one’s attachment style can ensure that he/she is in a position to have certain needs met.
Every person who gets into an intimate relationship has certain needs that he/she desires to be met. The manner in which an individual gets the needs met is determined by his/her attachment style. If he/she is securely attached, the individual gives and receives certain things in a healthy way (McNelis & Segrin, 2019). However, if he/she is not well attached there is a great problem when it comes to the fulfillment of the needs of both parties. It is good to understand the power of attachment styles when it comes to the process of choosing partners. An individual who is well attached should not choose a partner who is not well attached because they will have a bad experience together.
It is good to understand that most people find partners who conform to their models. The issue is dangerous for their relationships if they have an insecure attachment style. The reason is that their partners will end up reciprocating the negativity and their relationship will not last. People ought to ensure that they have some good traits that their spouses do not possess (Mende et al., 2019). On the other hand, they should ensure that they also choose partners that have the good traits that they miss. In that way, both partners can empower each other for a strong intimate relationship that will properly fulfill the needs of every partner.
There are certain issues that see parents form poor intimate relationships with their children. Young inexperienced mothers often lack the temperament required to raise children. The reason is that they are too young and lack the experience that could help them to be more patient (McNelis & Segrin, 2019). Mothers who are addicted to drugs can also have a problem forming intimate relationships with their young ones. In a case where a parent dies or moves away from a child, the latter will have an insecure attachment. On the other hand, parents that have undergone abuse in their lives have a hard time forming secure intimate relationships with their children.
Attachment styles and how they influence intimate relationships
- Secure attachment
When an infant experiences such positive emotions often, he/she grows to have numerous positive emotions within himself/herself. For instance, he/she becomes hopeful, self-confident, understanding, and calm when faced with conflict. The idea sees to it that the child grows to become an optimistic and creative adult, which is a character that most people strive to calculate regardless of their ages (Mende et al., 2019). Secure attachment ensures that children grow with positive memories that help them to always have a sense of security as well as comfort. Securely attached adults can deal with stress because they have the assurance that life will work out for them regardless of the situation confronting them. They have many meaningful relationships with other people and they feel very fulfilled in their lives. Therefore, these individuals gain the ability to always have a sense of peace and joy.
The first year of a child’s life determines whether or not he/she will be well emotionally attached. This is the period where the brain of a child becomes securely or insecurely attached. It mainly comes about with the responsiveness that a mother has with her child whereby inconsistency causes insecure attachment (Gonzalez-Mendez et al., 2019). The child thus becomes anxious, cries more, and avoids exploring as well as contact. With this in mind, parents especially mothers should always be there for their children especially in the early years of their lives.
Children that become securely attached to their parents or caregivers become upset in the latter’s absence. They become visible happy when their parents return and run to them for comfort when confronted by bad situations. The children readily return eye contact with their parents and always maintain good behavior. In many instances, secured attached children always ensure that they prefer parents as compared to strangers (Mende et al., 2019). The parents of these children always ensure that they respond very quickly towards meeting the needs of their children. In many instances, the parents respond quickly and ensure that they give their children adequate attention as compared to the caregivers of insecurely attached young ones.
Important to note, the parents of securely attached children spend time playing with them. The issue helps the children to always feel worthy of a parent’s time and attention. As a result, these children develop positive emotions that help them to become empathetic towards other people. Their school life does not stress their teachers since they always maintain good behavior (McNelis & Segrin, 2019). They are more mature, have less aggression, and are not disruptive as compared to their insecurely attached counterparts. As adults, they always have long-lasting relationships where they trust people that are close to them. Securely attached adults seek social support and ensure that they share how they feel with friends.
Anxious-preoccupied
This attachment sees an individual viewing himself/herself negatively and always giving good credit to other people. These individuals are obsessed with looking for their shortcomings and the strengths of others. An anxious and preoccupied individual feels that he/she wants to be close to other people but they remain unresponsive (Gonzalez-Mendez et al., 2019). He/she desires to be intimate with others but feels like his/her emotions are not being returned adequately. A person with this type of attachment always seeks high levels of approval, intimacy as well as the responsiveness of the individual to whom they are attached. The emotional dispositions that they possess are not healthy because they see an individual become overly dependent on the people with who they form a relationship.
These individuals are obsessed with being attached to other people. As a result, they feel anxious whenever they are far from people that are their point of attachment. Their anxiety only ends when the people they are attached to are close to them. The reason is that they have a negative attitude towards themselves. These individuals always doubt their personal worth and blame other people for not being there when they require them (Gonzalez-Mendez et al., 2019). Anxious-preoccupied individuals are impulsive in their relationships and have high levels of anxiety.
These individuals are always excessively worried about rejection as well as abandonment. Therefore, they become overly preoccupied with relationship needs and behaviors. They always require a lot of assurance to ensure that they merge with an intimate partner eventually scaring the latter away. They carry a lot of bad emotions from their past like anger, hurt, fear, and rejection. Therefore, they become overly sensitive to the mistakes of their partners as well as moods (McNelis & Segrin, 2019). At this point, they take the actions of their partners seriously to the extent of causing serious disagreements.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment seriously affects intimate relationships. The reason is that people with attachment are very emotional, argumentative, controlling, and angry. They have poor boundaries when it comes to personal issues. Individuals cannot have a healthy relationship because they are always blaming others. Their behavior is mostly unpredictable and they are mostly moody. They cannot connect with people because they thrive where there is conflict (McNelis & Segrin, 2019). Hence, they are always causing negative emotions among people to ensure there is conflict. Their relationship with their children is often compromised and the latter becomes anxiously attached.
Dismissive-avoidant
This style of attachment belongs to individuals who see themselves as good and view others in a negative way. They feel comfortable whenever they are not involved in close emotional relationships. They fear the idea of investing their emotions in close relationships. Instead, they enjoy the feeling of being independent as well as self-sufficient. Likewise, they do not like the idea of having others invest their emotions in them (Mende et al., 2019). Their desire for independence stems from the idea that they do not like to be in close emotional relationships. These individuals often thrive ion ensuring that they have not suffered because of investing in close emotional relationships.
It is good to understand that these individuals do not welcome the idea of admitting that they feel emotions, which connect them to others. Dismissive-avoidant people deny being emotionally attached to other individuals or having the need for those feelings. As far as they are concerned, having close relationships is an irrelevant undertaking. The reason is that they believe that they are more important than everyone else. This character of attachment is predominantly defensive (D’Arienzo et al., 2019). Dismissive-avoidant people always strive to hide their emotions and have their way of handling rejection. In these kinds of situations, dismissive-avoidant individuals distance themselves from the person that has rejected them.
These individuals always have issues with their partners because of their emotional distance. People with this style of attachment always keep their partners away from them and the latter keeps yearning for that closeness (D’Arienzo et al., 2019). A person with a dismissive-avoidant character feels that intimacy leads to the loss of independence. They prefer to always be autonomous and dislike the idea of depending on their partners. Likewise, they do not like a situation where their partner leans too much on them when it comes to emotional matters. When talking to their partners, they always maintain intellectual conversations to ensure that they avoid talking about emotional issues.
Their only advantage comes in where they find themselves in crises. The reason is that they remain emotionally passive and take charge all the time. Their attitude brings a problem when they are relating to their children (Gonzalez-Mendez et al., 2019). They cannot form intimate relationships with their children because they are always unavailable. Their disengaged attitude sees their children grow with the same mentality of ensuring that they too avoid attachments.
Fearful/unresolved/cannot classify
People with this style of attachment possess an unstable view of themselves as well as others. Attachment is common with individuals that had undergone trauma in childhood such as sexual abuse. A trauma in adolescence could also lead to the acquisition of a fearful/unresolved attachment style. The individuals feel uncomfortable relating to others closely because they fear getting hurt (Gonzalez-Mendez et al., 2019). People with this style of attachment have unconscious negative feelings about themselves. They also have an aspect of denying their emotions towards other people just to avoid being too emotionally attached to them. The individuals also tend to hide their emotions and go without expressing them to prove the irrelevance of those feelings.
People with a Fearful/unresolved style of attachment have a lot of issues that they have not resolved or mourned in their lives and hence the trauma. It is difficult for them to tolerate the normal disagreements that come with intimate relationships. The reason is that the disagreements remind them of the traumas that have confronted them in the past. They cannot understand the existence of healthy disagreements because the events relieve the traumatic experiences of the past. The individuals suffer from a lack of empathy towards other people (Mende et al., 2019). They have an inability to feel remorse for their bad actions that hurt other people. These individuals engage in drug abuse criminal undertakings and they have a high likelihood of maltreating their children.
Ambivalent attachment characteristics
This attachment style greatly affects intimate relationships between people. Children with this kind of attachment have certain notable characteristics. Firstly, the have a lot of fear and extreme suspicion when dealing with strangers. The children also show a lot of distress when the parent or caregiver is not present (Mende et al., 2019). Their distress does not go away even when the parent is present and they do not feel reassured still. The children also have unusual behaviors towards their parents.
These children have a passive way of rejecting their parents. Surprisingly, the children also show signs of aggression towards their parents or caregivers. Their problem is caused by the unavailability of their mothers when they are young. It is good to note that schoolteachers have encountered children with this type of attachment. According to them, the children are very clingy and they become over-dependent on their peers (Mende et al., 2019). The behavior is different when it comes to adults but still shows signs of insecure attachment. Adults with this type of attachment fear that their feelings will not be reciprocated. The feeling always leads to breakups even when their partners have not hurt them in any way.
Their intimate relationships are often cold and without emotions. However, their breakups often see them feeling very low and they look for other things to ensure that they gain a sense of security. To the effect, they become too preoccupied with their children (Mende et al., 2019). On the other hand, they may become obsessed with financial excellence. For instance, an individual with an attachment may be in a situation where he/she spends too much time working. The reason is that the individual desires to fill the gap that an intimate relationship can never fill.
Disorganized attachment
Individuals with this kind of attachment have compromised intimate relationships too. The reason is that they do not show any definite attachment characteristics. They have mixed behaviors, which include resistance as well as avoidance. This makes it difficult to relate to them because they are difficult to understand. When in the presence of caregivers, these children are usually confused and with a lot of anxiety. At an advanced age, the children always make attempts to ensure that they have taken a parental role (McNelis & Segrin, 2019). The attitude is even extended towards caregivers because they take on the parental role while approaching the latter.
The parents of these children cause the attachment style to occur at an early age. The reason is that they have inconsistent behaviors when dealing with their children. For instance, some parents approach children with fear and assurance at equal rates. Therefore, these children are left confused as to which emotions they ought to follow and adapt (McNelis & Segrin, 2019). The children have the emotion of confusion because their feelings lean towards comfort and fright at the same time. The same confusion is transferred to the people who form intimate relationships with them whereby the former feels bad. The individuals who form intimate relationships with these children often yearn to understand how they think or feel about their relationship.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the relationships human beings form depend on how they were socialized from infancy all through to their adolescence. It is the reason why people form secure or insecure attachment styles when it comes to relating to other individuals. Children that enjoy a lot of attention from their parents at a young age are attached securely. They become vibrant adults who are easy to relate with because of their good emotional health. These individuals relate well with people and form good intimate relationships where they are ready to share their feelings with their partners. On the other hand, people that were not socialized well at infancy become adults that cannot form good intimate relationships. They become emotionally unstable and can never maintain healthy relationships with other people because they are too dependent and hide their feelings. It is good to ensure that all parents give sufficient attention to the children at an early age to make sure that they become emotionally stable adults.
References
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