A LETTER TO THE WORLD: MOTHERHOOD CHOSE ME AND I
EMBRACED IT DESPITE BEING SINGLE
While digitalization has taken over most parts of the world, some countries still uphold their cultures, beliefs, and practices. Growing up in an African country, I knew that you reserve your virginity for your husband at a young age. And as much as urbanization has tried to stand against that, you will expect some backbiting, insinuations of being marriage breaker, very uncalled for titles, as a single mum. It takes strength to walk with your shoulder’s high as a single mother in my country.
I remember growing up and fearing to lose my virginity to a mere boyfriend. I was a party girl, I ran around looking for adventure, but anything beyond that was reserved. However, after high school, I joined some traveling theater, and that was the first time I was facing the real world out of my parents’ watchful eye. The first few months were easy until I fell in love for the first time. You all know how that feels. It’s like you are taking the whole world by your shoulders. A few months down the line, the treasure was gone. I still look back and admit that that was the beginning of a very big mistake.
As 90% of the common stories, it wasn’t a happily ever after with my guy, LOL. A year down the line, during one of the shows, I fell deeply in love. This wasn’t like my first time. I fell with everything I had, my mind, body, and soul. The relationship was amazing, one thing led to the next, and we moved In together. It was simply heaven on earth, of cos we had some few hitches here and there, but it was perfect. Or so I thought. Some few months down the line, the sheep’s cloth shed off, and the cheetah ran loose. The next two years were filled with a lot of pain and regret, so I decided it was time to walk away, but……. Boom!!! I was pregnant.
I have to admit that it was a traumatizing time for me. I didn’t have a stable job, I was now a first-year student at one of the prestigious Universities, and my parents were still footing my bills. As usual, the first idea on a scared girl’s mind is to abort the pregnancy; after all, it’s a fetus, right?. Five years down the line, I still look at my son and think, “I would have thrown such a beautiful gift away,” and every time I hold back my tears.
So obviously, writing this now, it’s clear I didn’t go ahead with the plan. I imagined my death hour on that abortion bed, and I couldn’t go ahead with it and am glad I didn’t. The next nine months were the most painful months of my life. Every single day, I would cry myself to sleep. The neighbors were already throwing snares at me, labeling me names, and the painful beat is that I was the only one to blame in their eyes. And I knew then that it was an accolade I had to embrace for the rest of my days.
On 7th July, my bundle of joy finally arrived. I had always avoided the gender scans; all I wanted was the child. My son arrived, and the first day I held him in my hands, I knew that the much joy that he brought into my life is something I wouldn’t trade. His first glance was heavenly. His little hands clenched into my finger was the sweetest grip of my life. And suddenly, there was this anonymous strength from within.
My motherhood journey was unplanned for, but every step of raising my boy has been planned for. There is no sure way to raise a child and no right age to mother a baby, it’s a decision you make, and the rest courses of action are intended. Along the way, I have made mistakes. Being a mother doesn’t make you immune to errors; the beauty of it is that your child will never judge. To him/her, you are the hero in their tales.
Along the way, I have had to beat stereotyping. That every single mother is a homewrecker and lazy and that we depend on other people’s husbands to survive, while that may be the case, we still have some 40% of hardworking young mothers. I have learned to ignore some comments and discussions for my peace. And I have adjusted my life to get rid of any person or opinion that doesn’t accommodate my son. I have made sacrifices to ensure that my son grows up in an environment that understands not every single mother whores around.
Often, I have put up a show of how perfect the whole process is while breaking down inside. I have smiled while all I ever want is to cry and scream. One thing about motherhood is that no matter how hard it is, you can’t expose your child to negative energy. Countless times I have hugged my son, assuring him that all is well while I am holding back tears because I know it’s not.
Motherhood has taught me patience, tolerance, and an open mind towards learning. Every day is a learning day. Also, I have learned that part of the conditions is that there is no room to quit; you always strive ahead. Enduring long nights when you have an early day is part of the contract and, at times suspending home working hours to play “hide and seek” or “pretend.” Those small moments make life worth living.
Being a mother is learning how to place your kids’ needs before yours. It’s finding a reason to press on even when you have a million reasons to quit. Now that my boy is five years old, we no longer do the long nights but creating at least 30 minutes of storytelling when he falls asleep is necessary. These five years have brought rampant growth in my life, I have gained and lost weight, I have cried and laughed, I have regretted and appreciated. I have fought numerous demons in my head while maintaining a straight physical appearance. I have often decided to quit on everything but the warm welcome hug that I get whenever I come home from my boy, anticipating that I have brought him a gift, even if it’s just a lollipop that love is too genuine to quit on.
As I said, there is no manual to raising a kid/s; I won’t lie that it will be all cake and chocolate. However, I can assure you that it’s a lifetime of sincere love, appreciation, and nil judgments’. When everything else will scream “quit,” one glance at your child will scream back, “Mommy, I need you, you can’t quit,” and that’s how we mothers find our balance in life. It doubles the trouble as a single mum, double the work, but twice the love, appreciation, and joy. Even in my next life, I wouldn’t choose a better way to have my son, only that maybe I would invest more in my emotions to be a better mother. Closing remarks to society, please be kind, don’t be too rash to judge before understanding milestones.